Warty - Part Eight

Dangers Of Solo Skating


david coyote
March 26, 2000
Warty Lahoof, Dangers Of Solo Skating (c) 2004 David Coyote

"Roses are flung at her feet (and my hoofs) . . . "


You love skating on ice? I assure you that I've mastered quad jumps and spins, embellishing each with sonorous blasts of wind as I spin high above the Princess' bed.


The ubiquitous author's note: The Supreme and Magnificent One has been sulking as of late, morose over the lack of what once were adoring fans. I've tried to explain that it could be due to summer vacation and the fact that others have other things to do.
He believes the fault lies in the author's lack of talent to capture the 'essence' of his words as he dictates what he describes as a 'thrilling saga'. It isn't easy living with perfection.
Noticing many famous people have letters following their last name - - {Ph.D., M.D., etc.}, Warty insisted that he should have some equally erudite title, so I've added NCM after his title. That seemed to ameliorate his mood, especially when I told him those letters stood for a very famous Latin phrase: Non Compos Mentis. He was suitably impressed, but thankfully I didn't have to explain the translation.
Have to go now - - I hear him calling my name. I may have to revert to writing poetry and short stories if the SMO's readership falls any lower. Just imagine his response to THAT piece of news! So here he is again, a personality the world's come to adore; Warty, NCM)

* * *

You enjoyed my recitation regarding dance? Of course you did. And so did the Princess. The other art form intoxicating her Loveliness is that of skating on ice. Can you see it coming? With TV specials featuring 'the best skating has to offer', I've had a most excellent opportunity to learn a few nifty tricks. Not one to spend much time in cold places, I've managed to perfect my skills without ice. You don't believe me? Wait until you see me perform quad jumps! I've studied those moves with a critical eye and assure you that I've mastered jumps and spins, embellishing each with sonorous blasts of wind as I spin high above the Princess' bed.
Here let me mention that performing these moves while wearing skates is much more dangerous than dance. One must perfect the skill of using both outside and inside edges, sweeping across the smooth surface in graceful poses, tail flagging the air, hoofs extended to create a perfect line. I do admire the short balding man who amuses the crowd, and Tod and Illia and Kurt. Naturally, I confess that I experience a great deal of pleasure watching Tara skating, one pretty leg lifted high, arms extended, smile on sweet face - - hmmmmm . . . ) Where was I? Oh, yes - - back to my skating-challenges where I learned early the pain of not being mindful of sharp edges. The wound healed quickly, and due to my naturally superior health, it was the last one suffered on ice. The Princess was most empathetic, and though I was pampered and petted, I thought it best not to repeat the incident.
Cuddled close to her side, we watch the shows, she explaining each move and challenging position. That other guy usually sits on his side of the bed with his back to us so he doesn't see what we're doing. (Chuckle, chuckle).
When it's lights-out and they're ready for sleep, I take my place on the pillow above her lovely head. That other guy makes sure I'm not 'under' the covers before he's willing to retire. And I? I go to sleep with visions of gliding gracefully across the ice with the Princess holding my hoof, the two of us performing dance routines much the same as dancers do on the ballroom floor. And if she tires and needs to rest, she insists I pair-skate with little Tara L. I don't need further encouragement in that quarter, and of course in my dreams, Tara can't wait to skate with me, she in her little short skirt and delightful shorts, me wearing my silver spandex Speedos, my silver cape fluttering behind as we bring the roaring crowd to its feet. Roses are flung at her feet (and my hoofs), cheers and applause fills the air. Co-skaters clap hands wildly and make way for our exit from the ice as judges award straight 6's for our skating performance! Interviewed by the press, I try to remain humble and modest, but faced with the fact that no one skates better, what is a warthog to do? Then I awake - - and face another day, wishing the Princess was home so we could skate and skate just as we do in my dreams . . .
I hate to leave fans hanging on my every word at this delightful point in my recollections, however I must see if there's any ice-crea - - ummm, food in the fridge. A warthog can go only so long without a little snack. And then a nap. And if, by any unimaginable possibility that you haven't kept up on the other parts of my biography, no need to apologize here. Merely leave me a nice note and settle back with your own favorite snack and enjoy the other spell-binding moments of my life!
Oh, by the way - - did anyone notice my new honorarium?


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last update 17.12.2012