Warty - Part One


A Tale Of Adventure And Intrigue
My Early Years (or) Unappreciated Youth


david coyote
March 26, 2000
Warty Lahoof,  A Tale Of Adventure And Intrigue (c) 2004 David Coyote

"I find indescribable gratification excavating muddy bogs."


Warty, a 'stuffed animal', was discovered on a shelf at the San Diego Wild Animal Park. Warty has been pleading with the author to complete his biography. Here it is, in Warty's own words. A Short Introduction: It has become apparent that simply expecting the world to knock down his door has been less than satisfying to "his wonderfulness". Perhaps there are others who can empathize with the trials and tribulations of 'first publications', and the sometimes disappointing response from a world gone mad with pneumatic teens idols and multi-million dollar a month athletic figures. For a (and we work constantly to guard his fragile ego from the harsh realities of real life) "stuffed" warthog, such as Warty, most have difficulty understanding why people can't see their "natural superiority". Take a deep breath, and do your best to try to see some of your closest friends in the personality that Warty exhibits. Here it is then, in Warty's own words:

* * *

Imagine, if you can, my surprise as a youngster when discovering multitudes who were completely unaware of the well-deserved position my family and I hold in the chain of Creation. So many are poorly prepared for the rigors one faces in life. I, on the other hand, sturdy of bone, garbed in the finest coat of luxuriously thick hair, armed with marvelous twin tusks, able to unearth the tastiest morsels - - well, quite simply, my quick wit and astounding strength unquestionably places me at the top of the biological pyramid. Ah, but there are always detractors. It seems we live in a jealous and prejudicial world.
Let's clear up a few facts to rid history once and for all of the fallacies obscuring my true place on earth. The lion, (who's reputation for some reason seems world renown) holds me in near reverence! I, unlike weaker examples of the Creator's experiment, move freely in the presence of the (hmmmmm) supposed King of Beasts. Why? Why, of course! The poor misnamed beast! Now, I suppose it falls upon me to set the world straight, a task I shouldn't have to undertake. However, faced with myths and disrespectful glances of those other, well let's just say, 'uniformed souls', I come forward here and now to set things right! Though one might guess my reputation should proceed me, many seen unable to appreciate my stunning good looks and innumerable talents.
So prepare to be enlightened, dear reader. Gather at your earliest opportunity, a list of appreciative adjectives you'll find useful when discussing me. Examine my heroic, aristocratic form. Guard your children so that, when seeing me for the first time, they don't beg you to let them fashion their uneventful lives after mine. For although their praise would naturally be understandable, (and gracefully appreciated,) their awkward attempts would be little more than sham.
What foolish comments I've had to overcome. While others find some pleasure in sniffing flowers, I find indescribable gratification excavating muddy bogs. What opprobrious remarks that seems to foster! And on what basis I ask? What of those, seeking to become better looking, pay dearly to have their bodies submerged in warm volcanic mud? Those who pay should be more admired? I find that most amusing! In my natural wisdom, I recognized the benefits at birth and reaped the rewards without paying a cent!
It was desperately dull growing up in the presence of obtuse and uninformed neighbors, suffering shallow jibes and inane remarks directed at a visage they were unprepared to appreciate. Must I describe every baseless accusation? Let me say only that I was prepared for the challenge.
Follow me, dear readers, and I'll tell a tail worth hearing.


Next Chapter
Fan Mail Most Welcome! Email the STAR!
Home, Main Menu, Main Index
Warty Series Index
last update 17.12.2012