Biographer’s Note: Hello Warty Lahoof fans. I’ve been contacted by his publicist who’s urged Warty to respond to the millions of readers and letters that have poured in over the last few years, and to let them know what his marvelous self has been doing. Warty recently returned from a two-year world-wide speaking tour and has quite a bit to share about the world of celebrity and fame. Warty insists that I only take dictation while he recalls these historic moments for the masses. So, I, the other guy, will step aside as Warty steps up to the podium, ready to regale you with tales of praise and adulation heaped about his feet. Err, hooves.
* * *
Dear friends and admirers! I have not abandoned your pleas. Thank you for your patience and understandable words of praise. Believe me, each is justified! Everyone wants to know about my life and exciting adventures, and that’s only natural, as so many live lives of desperate boredom without news from moi.
My lecture series were wildly acclaimed as the most scintillating events of the last few years, overshadowing the banal, shallow, boot-licking media and their disgusting mewling for corporate support. Obviously, the better informed of the planet see through these transparent prevarications, recognizing vulgar politicians of power and corruption for what they are. Merde-têtes. But enough about them; let’s move on. You want to know more about me.
I, as the informed of you know, garnered constant attention from truth-seekers where ever I spoke. I must say here now, there were days when public demands so exhausted me, I had to stop autographing my pictures and find something to eat. Which brings me to the next part of this begged for report.
Though I seldom watch television, that wasteland of mindless mediocrity, someone urged me to watch a cooking show featuring people referred to as Stainless Steel Chefs, or something like that. I don’t remember, as the experience certainly wasn’t that memorable. Many of you know that I, having spent a good part of my life in New Orleans, developed skills in food preparation that captured the attention of another fairly well-recognized New Orleans chef. I’m sure that this famous restaurateur won’t mind when I tell you that, on more than one occasion, he has come to my Café, Chez Warty, for cooking lessons, hoping to improve culinary skills. How could I ignore such a heart-felt plea?
As life would have it, we’ve spent hours in my kitchen, preparing dishes that might teach imagined gourmets, something about what it means to prepare true gourmet food. That famous TV chef I mention has learned a thing or two from me about preparing meals with real taste, for as everyone knows, it’s all about taste! And that’s me! Ah, no wonder when one hears, Laissez les bon temps roulez, they don’t just think, New Orleans; they immediately think of me!
The Princess gave me this Chef de Cuisine’s hat when I opened my Café, and isn’t it simply perfect? Perfection is me! You notice that I’ve got everything necessary in my kitchen to slam-bam the flavor out of this world; however, I am not going to go into specific recipes at this moment, as it might serve to only frustrate wanna-be chefs, as a recipe will not, in and of itself, guarantee excellence of the dish. Only experience, such as I naturally posses due to inherent factors, can produce the exquisitely delicious feast!
Now, all this talk has left me hungry and eager to finish this meal. I promise to return with more exciting news, as that’s the only kind of news that follows my wake. And remember (how could one not?) as always, I remain, your most humble hog,
Warty Lahoof, NCM
Propriétaire, Chez Warty